Illogical
by JadziaKathryn
Summary: T'Pol is the only voice of logic. As usual.


Disclaimer: Paramount/CBS owns all.

**Illogical**

Things were going swimmingly about _Enterprise _until, quite without warning, the ship stopped. Captain Archer was thrown to the floor, but got up as quickly as he could and put on his best command face. "Report!"

"We're stuck," answered Travis. "There's something wrong with subspace."

"Ahead, full impulse."

"That will not work, Captain. There are seven dichotomous subspace diversion pulse generators surrounding us."

Archer gave her a blank look.

"The logical conclusion is that the seven dichotomous subspace diversion pulse generators are intended to form a defense." Archer blinked. "It is a trap."

"A trap! Archer to Engineering. We're in a trap. Can you get us out?"

"Logic dictates that you should inform Commander Tucker of the details of the situation."

"Trip, there are seven – what did you call those, T'Pol?"

Before T'Pol could answer, Hoshi looked up from her station. "We're being hailed."

"On screen," said Archer, putting on his best don't-mess-with-me face.

An enormous purple face filled the screen. "Make peace with whatever spirits you will, trespassers." The transmission ended.

"The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that spirits are impossible," reported T'Pol.

"They're powering weapons," reported Reed. "Shall I do the same?"

"Yes," replied Archer. Reed took the liberty of polarizing the hull plating as well. Then the ship shook, the lights dimmed to almost nothing, and Reed's voice came from his shadowy corner, "Weapons are offline."

"I saw a gazelle die once," whimpered Archer.

"Your fixation on gazelles is illogical, Captain."

"Cap'n, if you give me a couple minutes, I can reroute power to the new torpedo. We haven't finished the autotargeting, though."

"Malcolm, you'll have to fire manually."

"With pleasure, sir."

The ship shook again under more fire. "It is illogical to assume that we will be given the time required."

Hoshi stood up suddenly. "Sir, I have an idea! We only need three minutes, so we'll stall."

"I want to live as much as you do, Hoshi, but I don't think that will work."

Hoshi rolled her eyes. "I'm opening a channel." She then walked over to stand in front of the viewer. "General Kashakonkiniosojwsmaktepfron, we humbly beg that you will grant us the tradition that will carry our souls to the next realm."

Kashakonkiniosojwsmaktepfron frowned. "What?"

"If you would kindly recite the entire poem I'm transmitting, it will pave the way for our souls. It's important that you say the whole thing, though. Otherwise we'll spend the next ten thousand years in fire. I'm afraid of fire, General." She batted her eyes and pouted. "Please?"

"Oh, alright."

"Thank you!"

"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends…" Hoshi muted the display triumphantly.

"What's that song?" asked Archer.

"It's from something my niece watches."

"You have a niece?" asked Archer.

"If anyone listened to me _before_ someone almost dies, you might have known that!"

"That song is extremely illogical."

Archer hit the comm. "Trip, are you almost done?"

"Yep. I've just gotta connect this thingamajig to this doodad."

"Commander, your imprecise language is illogical."

Travis opened his mouth, but T'Pol was a step ahead of him. "Ensign Mayweather, your expertise is not required. Speaking would be illogical."

"The torpedo's all set!"

"Fire at will, Malcolm."

"Lieutenant, your obvious delight is illogical."

Ignoring T'Pol's admonishment, Reed pumped his fist. "Direct hit! Look how symmetrical the explosion is." Tearing his eyes from the viewer, he added, "Nothing left over a meter long, sir, and the explosion took out three of the generators."

"Having such a poorly-defended ship is extremely illogical."

"We have impulse again," reported Travis.

Archer settled into his chair with his best victory face. "Resume course."

"Proceeding into obviously hostile territory is illogical."

"I need to get a picture of that explosion and frame it," mused Reed.

Hoshi, meanwhile, was singing under her breath, "Some people started singing it not knowing what it was…"

"Cap'n, we're gonna need a couple replacement whatchamacallits."

_Remaining on board this vessel is illogical_, T'Pol thought to herself.


End file.
